Steven Primrose-Smith

Amazon International Bestselling Travel Writer and Novelist


Greetings!

Buying paperbacks can be an expensive business and, with Christmas edging into view, I've just released both parts of Route Britannia as a single volume. Rather than paying a tenner each for the individual books, the combined version is just £14.99 from Amazon. It would make a great gift for anyone interested in cycling, Britain or travel writing in general.

The sequel to George Pearly is a Miserable Old Sod is still being worked upon. Sorry for the delay.

Finally, I've decided what I'm doing next year. I'd originally dreamt up a three-year watery adventure but something more timely has come along and will now push that into 2019 and beyond. 2018 will see me back on the bike, visiting some lesser known and, in places, darker corners of Europe. More details soon.

Have a great Christmas and thank you for reading!
Steven

Most of my readers are in the UK. If you're from elsewhere and wish to see more reviews of my books, please visit Amazon.co.uk.

NEW! NEW! NEW!

How Not To Be a Unicorn

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

Mothers just want their children to be happy. That's why, when five-year-old Gary says he wants to be a unicorn, his New Age mum does everything in her power to make it happen. One night, while he is sleeping, she superglues a horn to his head. His life will never be the same again.

Follow the ups but mostly downs throughout forty years of Gary's unicorn life, as he struggles with his mum and her army of lovers, one sister who thinks she's a mermaid, another who's a personality-morphing nutjob and little brother, Mikey, a perpetually two-foot tall, fur-covered troll. Along the way are unicorn hunters, religious sects, rubbish superheros, crucifixions, duels, escaped lions, cannibals, immaculate conceptions and Nazis but mostly lots and lots of ridicule.

Like Gary, you can be whatever you want to be, but be careful what you wish for.

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com





AMAZON UK BESTSELLERS
BOTH BOOKS NO.1 IN UK TRAVEL & BOOK 1 NO.1 IN PRIME READING SPORTS, INTERNATIONAL AMAZON NO.2 IN CYCLING (UK AND AUSTRALIA)

Route Britannia

A Spontaneous Bicycle Ride through Every County in Britain

Book 1, The Journey South: Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

Book 2, The Journey North: Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

The Whole Journey: Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

Tired of seeing Britain continually attacked by the media, politicians and the British themselves, Steven Primrose-Smith wants to see it for himself. All 97 counties of it! Surely it can't be as bad as everyone tells him.

After twenty years living abroad, he thinks the time is right to search his homeland for the best of British using new eyes, those of a foreign tourist, and in the only way he knows how – by bicycle. Armed with a list of recommendations gathered from friends and strangers alike and the most spontaneous of routes, he pedals 5,000 miles through damp English country lanes, soggy Welsh moorland and windswept Scottish mountains. He gets wet quite often.

Following on from the success and irreverent style of both No Place Like Home, Thank God and Hungry for Miles, Steven seeks out the quirky in the people he meets, the places he visits and the food he eats. Can his initial store of positivity survive the journey, or will it be ground down by the traffic, the weather and his British, vegetable-free diet of beer, pies and pork scratchings?

In Book 1, The Journey South, Steven travels from Merseyside to Warwickshire, through the whole of Wales, the West Country, the south coast and to London.

Armed with a bag of googly eyes, he meets a poetry-prescribing nurse, stumbles across Hilda Ogden's lawnmower, has his footwear stolen by foxes, discovers some very special Mexican fleas, crashes the TARDIS and visits dozens of British capitals, including its infidelity capital, its boob job capital and its dogging capital. He experiences "real" Britain – the good and the bad – its Morris dancers, pie 'n' mash and the pinnacle of British culture, a good old-fashioned street fight.

In Book 2, The Journey North, Steven travels through East Anglia, the East Midlands, Yorkshire, the North East of England, the whole of Scotland and the Lake District before finishing in Lancashire.

Steven concludes his 5,000-mile journey through the whole of Britain. He visits the site of a UFO landing, stumbles upon Britain's quirkiest pier and finds a man who converted his caravan into the Titanic. He also eats the best of British regional food, including a clanger, a parmo and a deep-fried Mars Bar and visits dozens of British capitals, including its moaning capital, its porn capital and its incest capital, as well as the happiest place in Britain.

Recent Amazon review comments:

"I loved this book and I can't wait for the second one. Steven Primrose-Smith's witty writing and quirky observations made me laugh out loud so many times. As soon as I started reading this book, I couldn't put it down. Steven's humour shines through."

"Steve's done it again; he's written another enjoyable cycle tour book. It was another page turner. Can't wait for part two."

"Have really enjoyed Steven's other two cycling books...This was no exception and looking forward to part two. Keep up the good work."

Book 1, The Journey South: Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

Book 2, The Journey North: Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

The Whole Journey: Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

AMAZON UK NO. 2, AUSTRALIA NO. 3 IN CYCLING

Hungry for Miles

Cycling across Europe on £1 a Day

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

After blowing all his cash on his previous long-distance bike ride (No Place Like Home, Thank God), Steven Primrose-Smith wants to go cycling again. Without the necessary funds, he decides to see if it's possible to travel thousands of miles on a budget of just £1 a day.

Against advice, he puts together a team of complete strangers, including a fresh-faced student, a Hungarian chef, and a man with the world's worst bike, the beard of a goblin and a fetish for goats.

While cycling from Liverpool to Gibraltar through England, Wales, France, Spain and Portugal, they plan to supplement their cash-strapped diet by fishing and foraging. It's just a pity no one knows anything about either.

People quit, nerves are strained, and faces and bikes are both smashed. Will anyone make it to Gibraltar?

Recent Amazon review comments:

“He's obviously one of life's top blokes. He can strike the balance between fact, fiction, humour, sadness and in this case famine...Thank you for sharing your intelligent wit and passion for all things good...”

"A very humorous and frank account of an extremely difficult challenge and I really enjoyed reading it...Looking forward to the next book."

"Another great book from this author, easily as good as No Place Like Home. You know you are reading a good book when you can't put it down and are sad when it comes to an end...good fun and highly entertaining."

"Always worth reading, he makes his readers laugh, think and occasionally sigh with relief that they weren't accompanying him."

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

INTERNATIONAL AMAZON BESTSELLER
NO. 1 IN CYCLING IN UK AND AUSTRALIA, AND TOP 3 IN TRAVEL AND IN SPORT

No Place Like Home, Thank God

A 22,000 Mile Bicycle Ride Around Europe

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

After a near fatal brain haemorrhage Steven Primrose-Smith decides that life is too short to hang around. Inspired, he jumps on his bicycle to travel a road that stretches 22,000 miles across the whole of Europe.

During his ride through 53 countries, climbing the equivalent of 20 Everests, he dodges forest fires, packs of wild dogs and stray bulls, is twice mistaken for a tramp, meets a man in Bulgaria who lives under a table, discovers if ambassadors really do dish out pyramids of Ferrero Rocher at parties, transforms into a superhero after being savaged by radioactive mosquitoes near Chernobyl and comes close to death in France, Norway, Ukraine and Russia.

Such a massive challenge requires calories and Steven gets his from the more unsavoury elements of European savouries: brains, testicles, lung and spleen stew, intestine sandwiches, sausages famous for smelling of poo, a handful of maggots and even a marmot. Nobody eats marmots.

But the distance and his culinary adventures are only a part of the mission. His real objective is much more difficult. Will he be able to confirm something he has long suspected or will he, after all his searching, eventually find somewhere in Europe worse than his home town of Blackburn?

Recent Amazon review comments:

“If you love travel, you will love this book! This is by far the best cycle-based travel book I have read...I could not put it down! It's very well-written, naturally funny without trying too hard and... about the places and people he discovers, not the bike itself...Inspirational and very funny.”

“Highly entertaining – you'll laugh out loud. This is the funniest book I've read for a very long time. It's so much more than a story about a bike ride - it's a travelogue, a witty and astute observation about people and life, a candid description of many places you'd never even dream of visiting! Once you start to read it, I guarantee you WON'T put it down. I laughed out loud a dozen times before I'd even covered the first 3 chapters. Highly recommended.”

“Very entertaining – never a dull page! What a journey - once I started it I literally had to keep reading until the end! His descriptions of people and places along the way made me feel like I was right beside him on his epic journey and he kept me laughing all the way along! A definite must read...I can't wait for his next book!”

“A travelogue with a difference! BIG laughs, pithy observations on life, the universe and everything else and simply great stories. A great read from start to finish.”

“Thought-provoking and funny. This book made me laugh out loud as well as ponder the meaning of life; for anyone who has ever ridden a bike, done a bit of travelling or eaten food. Worth a read.”

“A must read. I really enjoyed this book! The author has a witty vision of life and a special sense of humour. Loved it!”

“Fab book with wonderful descriptions of his traveling experiences...make this well written book a joy to read and am happy to recommend it.”

“Good fun and a great read. Laugh out loud funny...Looking forward to the sequel.”

“Loved it from the first sentence!”

“a great read witty funny”

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

AMAZON UK BESTSELLER - NO. 1 IN SATIRE

George Pearly Is A Miserable Old Sod

A Story of Murder, Underpants and a Three-Legged Dog

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

Seventy year-old British ex-pat miserymonger George Pearly lives on the Costa del Sol, all alone except for his ancient, three-legged dog, Ambrose. George hates his life and everybody in it. These feelings are mutual. Everyone hates George too.

From this unhappy equilibrium the situation quickly deteriorates. First, George discovers he is dying of a mystery illness. Then his 35 year-old ape-child nephew, Kevin, moves into George's tiny and once tranquil home with a passion for Vimto, Coco Pops and slobbing around in his greying underpants. Worst of all, George's neighbours start to disappear and all accusing fingers point towards George.

Pull up a sun lounger, grab yourself a piña colada and enjoy a murder-mystery romp on Spain's sunny southern coast.

Recent Amazon review comments:

"This is the funniest, laugh out loud book I think I've ever read. Tears were streaming down my face and my husband said to me I looked like I was a bit psychotic cackling away to myself."

"I don't know how he does it. The author must be knackered after writing this. Every sentence is clever, witty and funny. The story borders on stupendous, ridiculous and dysfunctional. And that's just the half of it. There's a twizzly twist at the end to delight event the most miserable of all sods. This is another fantastic book by the author. Thank you for sharing the madness."

"I enjoyed this book from start to finish...reminiscent of some the best humorous writers like Peter Tinniswood and Tom Sharpe."

"A bit like Tom Sharpe on speed - ridiculous plot, outlandish characters, unbelievable situations - great. Whizzes along and is great escapist stuff and light reading."

"Best bit of codswallop I've read in ages. Absolutely brilliant. Do read it."

"Loved this - George Pearly is indeed a Miserable Old Sod and very funny with it - couldn't put it down."

"This book made me laugh out loud, much to the embarrassment of my son. Original and quirky."

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

Love and Other Complete Wastes of Time

The romantic comedy that proves time doesn't heal all wounds!

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

It's 1986 and Adam is Evie's mysterious high school crush. On the night that she's determined to take it to the next level, Adam suddenly disappears, presumed murdered.

After pining over his memory for twenty-nine years, Evie accidentally stumbles upon Adam in a supermarket, now inexplicably disguised as a pineapple and claiming to have just been released from prison. But something doesn't appear to be quite right about him. In fact, nothing seems quite right. He's stuck in the 1980s in more ways than one.

Evie is torn. Despite being the doting mother of her eight-year-old son and happily married to a successful lawyer she finds herself unable to resist this blast from the past. But when she eventually learns Adam's amazing secret, Evie makes a rash decision that threatens to destroy everything she holds dear and leave her little son howling motherless throughout eternity.

Recent Amazon review comments:

"Really funny and slightly mad...I enjoyed every single minute of it."

"An enjoyable little book that kept me hooked to the end. The little revelation at the end came as a bit of a surprise t me; I didn't see it coming."

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

Travel Projects, Old and New

The UniCycle50 Plus Project

From April 2018, and for six months, I will extend the Unicycle50 project. More details soon.

The Route Britannia Project

RouteBritannia.com was my tour during five months of 2016 cycling through every one of the 97 counties of mainland Britain. I had no predetermined route but moved from place to place based on suggestions I received from people on the road, friends, Facebook and cycling forums. I don't have an exact mileage - by cycle computer broke after a couple of weeks - but I estimate it to have been around 5,000 miles. Two books describe this trip - Route Britannia, the Journey South and the more recently released Route Britannia, the Journey North. For more information about the ride, please visit RouteBritannia.com or Like the project's Facebook page.

The Ride and Seek 2015 Project

On 16th June 2015 I left Liverpool with a small team of fellow cyclists and attempted to reach Gibraltar surviving on only £1 a day with the hope that most of our food would come from fishing and foraging. The 3,400 mile route took us through Wales, south-west England, France, Spain and Portugal. The book of the adventure - Hungry for Miles - is available now. For more information, please visit RideAndSeek2015.com or Like the project's Facebook page.

The UniCycle50 Project

UniCycle50.com was the name of the cycling (and studying) project that resulted in my first book, No Place Like Home, Thank God. Over the course of three years I cycled 22,000 miles between 52 capital cities of Europe. (Originally I'd only planned to do 50, hence the 50 in UniCycle50.) For photographs of all the places described in the book, the people I met and the weird food I ate, or to discover country-specific information about cycling around fifty amazingly varied nations, please visit the project's web site and maybe even Like its Facebook page.

Contact Steven Primrose-Smith at info@primrose-smith.com