Novels

The Costa del Sol's most unpopular man, timely love and an idiot with a horn stuck on his head



Most of my readers are in the UK. If you're from elsewhere and wish to see more reviews of my books, please visit Amazon.co.uk.

How Not To Be a Unicorn

NEW! NEW! NEW!

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

Mothers just want their children to be happy. That's why, when five-year-old Gary says he wants to be a unicorn, his New Age mum does everything in her power to make it happen. One night, while he is sleeping, she superglues a horn to his head. His life will never be the same again.

Follow the ups but mostly downs throughout forty years of Gary's unicorn life, as he struggles with his mum and her army of lovers, one sister who thinks she's a mermaid, another who's a personality-morphing nutjob and little brother, Mikey, a perpetually two-foot tall, fur-covered troll. Along the way are unicorn hunters, religious sects, rubbish superheros, crucifixions, duels, escaped lions, cannibals, immaculate conceptions and Nazis but mostly lots and lots of ridicule.

Like Gary, you can be whatever you want to be, but be careful what you wish for.

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

George Pearly is a Miserable Old Sod

AMAZON UK BESTSELLER - NO. 1 IN SATIRE

A Story of Murder, Underpants and a Three-Legged Dog

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

Seventy year-old British ex-pat miserymonger George Pearly lives on the Costa del Sol, all alone except for his ancient, three-legged dog, Ambrose. George hates his life and everybody in it. These feelings are mutual. Everyone hates George too.

From this unhappy equilibrium the situation quickly deteriorates. First, George discovers he is dying of a mystery illness. Then his 35 year-old ape-child nephew, Kevin, moves into George's tiny and once tranquil home with a passion for Vimto, Coco Pops and slobbing around in his greying underpants. Worst of all, George's neighbours start to disappear and all accusing fingers point towards George.

Pull up a sun lounger, grab yourself a piņa colada and enjoy a murder-mystery romp on Spain's sunny southern coast.

Recent Amazon review comments:

"This is the funniest, laugh out loud book I think I've ever read. Tears were streaming down my face and my husband said to me I looked like I was a bit psychotic cackling away to myself."

"I don't know how he does it. The author must be knackered after writing this. Every sentence is clever, witty and funny. The story borders on stupendous, ridiculous and dysfunctional. And that's just the half of it. There's a twizzly twist at the end to delight event the most miserable of all sods. This is another fantastic book by the author. Thank you for sharing the madness."

"I enjoyed this book from start to finish...reminiscent of some the best humorous writers like Peter Tinniswood and Tom Sharpe."

"A bit like Tom Sharpe on speed - ridiculous plot, outlandish characters, unbelievable situations - great. Whizzes along and is great escapist stuff and light reading."

"Best bit of codswallop I've read in ages. Absolutely brilliant. Do read it."

"Loved this - George Pearly is indeed a Miserable Old Sod and very funny with it - couldn't put it down."

"This book made me laugh out loud, much to the embarrassment of my son. Original and quirky."

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

Love and Other Complete Wastes of Time

The romantic comedy that proves time doesn't heal all wounds!

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

It's 1986 and Adam is Evie's mysterious high school crush. On the night that she's determined to take it to the next level, Adam suddenly disappears, presumed murdered.

After pining over his memory for twenty-nine years, Evie accidentally stumbles upon Adam in a supermarket, now inexplicably disguised as a pineapple and claiming to have just been released from prison. But something doesn't appear to be quite right about him. In fact, nothing seems quite right. He's stuck in the 1980s in more ways than one.

Evie is torn. Despite being the doting mother of her eight-year-old son and happily married to a successful lawyer she finds herself unable to resist this blast from the past. But when she eventually learns Adam's amazing secret, Evie makes a rash decision that threatens to destroy everything she holds dear and leave her little son howling motherless throughout eternity.

Recent Amazon review comments:

"Really funny and slightly mad...I enjoyed every single minute of it."

"An enjoyable little book that kept me hooked to the end. The little revelation at the end came as a bit of a surprise t me; I didn't see it coming."

Available from Amazon UK | Available from Amazon.com

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